Getting better every day

Thursday May 25, 2006 7:30am

The past few days have been good ones. I was off yesterday, but have to work 9-9 today. And lately we have been a little busier at the dealership and have had customers there quite late. In fact, I didn’t leave Tuesday night until 10:40. Last week it was the same thing with having to stay past our normal hours. But I suppose that it’s good for the company to be bringing in the business, even if it means I have to work extra. Coming up is Memorial Day weekend and I have to work every day from now till Tuesday, so that will be a little tough since so many people will be off from work and I’m not.

I have been feeling more positive lately too. I have met a few more Mojo friends and have enjoyed corresponding with them quite a bit. I also had dinner yesterday with the same friend that I met last Wednesday. We had a good time and enjoyed each other’s company. She’s very nice and has a very bright outlook. She has two children very close to Monica and Brandon’s ages. Her daughter is 16 and her son is 15. She’s a school teacher and today is the last day of school for the students, both where she works in New Albany and here in Jefferson County. So the summer vacations begin tomorrow for the school kids.

I’m not sure if it’s due to my new friendships I’ve been making or perhaps the medicine I’ve been taking, but I suspect it’s a combination of both that has given me a more positive attitude. I’m supposed to go back to the doctor next Thursday for a follow up visit. I will have some good news to report to him. And although the prescription samples he gave me will be expensive when I have to buy them, I’m hoping that he will order the equivalent medicine that’s available in a generic form. It will cost 1/5 as much with my co-payment. And I have done a little research and believe that there is a medicine that is comparable.

At least, things are starting to seem brighter for me lately. Well, enough for this entry. I’ll revisit in a few days.

Elevator ride - Downs and ups...

Saturday 5/13/06 12:45p

I guess a lot has happened since my last entry. For starters, my computer at home was having some big problems and I ended up taking it to Best Buy on Tuesday morning to have it looked at. They did a quick diagnostic while I was there and found that the hard drive was bad. While that is covered under the extended service plan that I bought, I still ended up having to pay over $200 for the data on the drive to be transferred onto the new one and a backup made. Plus having some additional anti-virus and spyware software installed. I was told it would take 3-4 days for the repairs and when I called yesterday and talked with one of the technicians, he said he was working on it as we were speaking. But it’s still not ready yet. Hopefully, I’ll get a call today saying it’s fixed.

So being without a computer at home has been a little tough. It has been my hobby and almost my lifeline to the outside world. And while I haven’t been exactly overwhelmed at work the past few days, I just haven’t taken the time to add any entries here. I did however write a letter to Jenny that I felt I needed to compose to let her know what my feelings were. But afterwards, even though I felt better about putting these things down on paper, I wasn’t sure if sending it was the right thing to do. I even asked a couple people for their opinions. One said she wouldn’t send it, the other said that she thought I should just let it “gel” and go back to it in a few days to see if I still felt the same way. I have done that and after careful consideration, I feel that the best thing for me to do is to include the letter in this journal but it would be best if this were never sent. It’s a way for me to try to bring some closure to the situation without causing anyone any further hurt. For as easy at it seemed for Jenny to shut me out of her life, I realize that this whole situation might be somewhat painful for her as well.

As you can probably tell at this point, I am quite fond of using analogies in my verbal communication. And the one thought keeps recurring to me about the way I felt Jenny treated me – I was like old garbage that she took out to the street to be picked up and taken away. I’m sure that’s not the way she intended to have things happen, but it’s the best way I can describe the way I perceive it. And everything that happens in life is all about perceptions. Good, bad or otherwise, our actions are always going to be subject to the interpretation of others. Here’s the letter I wrote:

May 9, 2006


Dear Jenny, tomorrow will be two weeks since I wrote you a letter and asked a favor. I haven’t heard anything back from you, so I assume that the lack of a response means your answer is “no”. Like I said when I wrote, I would understand if you had felt uncomfortable in doing what I asked. Still, I wish you had replied to at least let me know that. At this point, I will ask my brother to be the executor of my estate. This way, at least I can get my Will notarized and witnessed. Tomorrow is also another date which I will never forget as it will be exactly one year since I first emailed you and what began the start of our “second” relationship. It will be a day of mixed emotions for me. Of course, I have had a lot of days of very mixed and painful emotions over the past few weeks.

I know that I told you I began keeping a journal and even sent you a few of my earlier entries. I have continued to write down my thoughts and it has been of some help. But moving on hasn’t been easy for me. I have lost weight and even went to the doctor last week and asked him to give me a prescription for some anti-depression medication. I hope that it will help. I have never been this messed up before in my life. However, I’m not writing this to try to make you feel guilty and I’m not going to go into any more specifics about how I feel other than to say one thing. And it will be the last time I initiate any communication with you.

The thing I wanted to say was this: You said that you wanted to continue to remain friends, “good friends” in your words. And yet, I haven’t heard a single thing from you since our last phone conversation on April 2nd when you said your decision to break up was final and that you didn’t love me. I emailed to you shortly after that and said I wouldn’t contact you unless you initiated it. And of course, I broke that vow when I wrote you the letter two weeks ago. Still though, I’ve heard nothing from you. I felt that for every day that passed without any word from you, that the likelihood of our being friends was diminishing. So I’m sad to say that at this point, I don’t think that a friendship is possible.

I fell deeply in love with you and while I was still in that state, you pulled away from me. Who’s fault it was, I have no idea, but I can only assume that it had something to do with the way I was smothering you. A friend of mine said recently that when it comes to relationships, “I will share myself with you, but I will not lose myself within you”. I think that’s probably a good philosophy to have. What I did was lose myself in you. I thought that was what love was supposed to be. Sadly, I was wrong. There’s a wonderful Humphrey Bogart line from the movie “Casablanca” that pretty much says everything - “I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.”


What hurts me the worst was that I knew something was wrong and you had changed in the way you felt about me and that the love you had was diminishing. And when I tried to share those concerns with you, you acted as if nothing was the matter. You weren’t honest with me. That is, until it was too late. We never had the talk that I was looking forward to where we might have been able to get everything out in the open. But we never had the chance. I think even some type of counseling could have made the difference. Now it’s too late. I know you have probably successfully moved on and I wish you well.

I trusted you with my most valuable possession Jenny, my heart. And you broke that trust. I even remember early on in one of the first emails you wrote back to me where you said you didn’t know if I could ever trust you again and that you wouldn’t blame me if I didn’t. Well, I let my guard down completely and did. Only to have that trust once again broken.

I’m so deeply sorry that all of this happened. I blame myself for being too eager and smothering you. And I blame you for not being completely honest with me. If you had, things might not have turned out the way that they have. Now, I will never be able to trust another woman again in my life. Of all people, I thought I could have counted on you.

So let me conclude by saying that I believe that we cannot be friends. I once thought that perhaps in time we could be. But since you haven’t offered that opportunity, I know that it will never happen. As I’ve said before, I think you are a wonderful and amazing person and I will always treasure the good times that we had. And I only wish the best for you and your family. I hope that you will someday find what you are looking for and I wish that you will continue to have a beautiful life.

This, I promise, will be my last letter.

Alan


I felt that by saying these words to her, I was able to put an end to something. But I think that my words would be hurtful and cause her more pain. There’s no need for that. We have both suffered a loss. Although I feel mine is far more deeply felt than hers.

I mentioned in the letter that I have recently been taking medication for depression. I’m not sure if it has had much of an effect just yet and I know that sometimes it can take a few weeks for positive results to be seen. But I have reached the end in some ways and am trying to grab hold of something to give me some stability. I have been strongly considering taking a very difficult step for the past few months. Actually, I’ve been wrestling with this for years, but the feeling of determination to take action has only intensified as the days and weeks have passed. I believe there is only one real solution that I can seek even though I know it will be very difficult for those I leave behind.

Today is a memorable day for me as well. It was one year ago to this day that I moved into my apartment. After a couple weeks of unpacking and trading emails with Jenny, we first met after such a long absence a few days before Memorial Day weekend. Knowing then what I do now, I probably wouldn’t have wanted for us to start our relationship over again. There were wonderful times, of course. But the emptiness and pain that I feel today aren’t worth the price. There is that famous saying from a Tennyson poem that goes “’tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”. I’m not so sure about that. I’m really not.

I’m not sure how many more entries into this journal I plan on making from this point. It may be dozens or only a few. A lot depends on how the next week or so goes. I am so very tired and feel so alone and empty. I don’t live anymore, I simply exist. And that’s no way to be. To just go through the motions of an everyday, monotonous life is such a wasted effort. I have nothing to look forward to. I just want to find peace.



Saturday 5/20 9:10am

Well, it’s been another week since my last entry and it has been a very busy and good one overall I think. There’s a lot of catching up to do, so let me get started. First, I was quite busy last Sunday and into Monday trying to retrieve and re-create the documents that I lost when my computer’s hard drive was damaged. And while I will sorely miss the pictures that I will never be able to have again, I can handle that. If nothing else, I have learned to not be so lazy and always make a CD of anything I want to save from my computer. But things are as back to normal with the computer situation as I suppose they can be.

I also worked a great deal this week including Thursday when I worked from 9am and didn’t leave till 10:30 that night. But that’s a good indication that business is starting to pick up a little. And it has been suffering quite badly up until this point. I am still concerned about possibly getting laid off due to lack of sales, but if things continue to stay busy, I suppose my job is secure. However, if things still don’t work out, it will be okay. I know I’ll be able to find another job in a similar field without too much difficulty. I’ll just have to buy a cheap used car to get me around.

I also have some good news for me as far as my outlook on things. In my previous entry, I concluded by saying I’d see how the next week or so went. Well, it was a good one. I actually got a chance to meet another one of my new Mojo friends for dinner on Wednesday night. We have been “hotboxing” messages, Instant Messaging and emailing for a little while now. And we decided to try to get together for dinner. We met at a restaurant downtown called The Old Spaghetti Factory. I knew from our conversations thus far that we had a lot of things in common and that she had really suffered a great deal, but has such a positive attitude that it was impossible not to be inspired by her. Her name is Trish and she teaches third grade in New Albany. Although she actually lives a little further west in Indiana. We had a great first meeting and I know that she will be a good friend. And we both agree that we really aren’t looking for anything more than that at this point. So I hope that we will continue to exchange emails, messages and to get together from time to time. She is a very nice, sweet lady and I’m glad to have the opportunity to consider her a friend. Thanks Trish, you’ve given me a new outlook.

Also, Wednesday morning I got a “hotbox” message from a woman from the Lexington Mojo site. Her question was very short and direct. She obviously read my profile and on it, there’s one final comment where I describe myself and I said, “Sorry Jenny, you blew it --“ She asked me who Jenny was and how did she blow it. So I told her the whole story. And that simple question and the following reply opened up the beginnings of a great long-distance cyber-friendship. Her name is Paige and she too is divorced and has two children. She’s been in Lexington for four years and loves it there. We exchanged many messages over the next several days and have shared a lot of our life stories. Even though we’ve only been very recently acquainted, I know she’s going to be a very nice addition to my small group of friends. So I also thank you Paige for helping me see things from a new perspective.

So as you can see, I have had two very positive experiences this past week that have helped me start the turn to slide I was going down. Thank you ladies. You’ll never know how much it has meant. Truly.

How much more can I bear?

Friday 5/5/06 1:15pm

Well, I’ve only been at work for a little over an hour and am already pretty bored. Hopefully things will keep me busy later on since I’m here till 9:00 tonight. And it will seem especially long since I have worked the past eight days straight and have the weekend off. I imagine that today will seem to drag on and the weekend will just fly by. That’s usually how it goes, isn’t it?

I have come to realize many things in the past month or so. Some have been harder to accept than others. It has led me to discover different parts of myself and my outlook on relationships, love and life. I am trying to learn from this experience and put things in perspective, but it is proving to be very, very difficult. As I’ve said, some moments and some days are better than others, but as hard as I’m trying to get over some of these turmoils, they seem overwhelming at times. Right now, my life doesn’t seem to have any direction or purpose. I feel so empty inside. I feel like I used to be somebody with good things to offer to others, but my self-esteem has been completely destroyed. My heart has always been in the right place and I would try to put others’ feelings and well being ahead of my own. But what good has it done me?

Something else that’s been upsetting me is that I haven’t heard a single word from Jenny since we last talked on the phone over a month ago. I had a thought in the back of my mind that she would at least send me an email to offer a little more of an explanation about why she made the decision that she did. But obviously she hasn’t cared enough to do that for me. And lately, what really bothers me is that she hasn’t acknowledged the letter that I wrote and mailed to her over a week ago when I asked her about being executrix of my Will. As I’ve said, I know that it may have been asking a lot of her and that it might seem awkward for her to accept my request, but she’s never replied to me at all. Each day that passes, I feel like the likelihood of our ever really being able to be friends is diminished even further. What has led her to completely shut me out of her life? I guess one of the more difficult aspects of this whole situation is that I trusted her. I know I trusted her with my heart. And as I keep going back to saying, when I felt that she was somehow distancing herself from me months ago, and I asked her about my concerns, she never told me. I expressed my fears that something was wrong and that she was pulling away, but she avoided the issue. Now, when I reflect on what she said when she wanted to break apart and said we should go our separate ways, all I understand is this; I don’t love you anymore and I want your things out of my house. See for yourself, here’s exactly what she wrote: Hey! Since we haven't had time to talk about this, I will do what you always do and just write you a note.....I did a lot of thinking while I was away last weekend, and I can only say I don't have an explanation for what has happened between us. It is strained and tense when we are together. It is nothing that you have done---I am sure it is all my fault but I refuse to have this continue any longer. When I saw the sadness in your eyes last week, and knew it is because of me, that made me realize that we must go our separate ways......you need to find someone more suitable for you that will bring you happiness!! You deserve that! I hope we can still be friends though.......I am so sorry!!! I never meant to hurt you in any way but I have......I know when we started dating again you were on the rebound, and I should have waited to see you until you had had time to get over your marriage. I feel so badly that I have caused you so much pain and sadness. I will never forgive myself. Let me know if you want me to bring over the stuff you have over here----I could take it to your apt when you are working if that is okay...or you can come here.....totally your call! Talk to you later about this if you want to.Jen


In so very few words, she managed to totally destroy my life and tell me that I needed to find someone more suitable for me. Ha, what a joke! She’s the one who told me to get out of her life and take my stuff with me. Sure, she said she hoped we could still be friends, but she hasn’t written or spoken a word to me in over a month. I sent her an email a month ago saying that I wouldn’t bother her with calls or emails unless she was the one who initiated it. I didn’t want to act like I was desperately trying to keep us together or be a nuisance. So I left things like that and that if she was interested in contacting me, I would wait. She certainly never has. That sends me a pretty strong signal that she’s shut me out of her life completely. And she thinks we can still be friends? Some way to try to build or maintain a friendship, if you ask me. She mentions that she thinks I was “on the rebound”, but my love for never diminished during the time that we were apart. I thought we just picked up from a good point from where we left off so long ago. Will I ever, truly trust another woman in matters of the heart again? Absolutely never. Absolutely never, ever again.

As hard as I try to put this break-up behind me, I still have tremendous struggles. Again, I’m trying to put things in perspective, but I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I will ever be able to lay it to rest and be at peace. And that’s why it is so hard to move ahead. This thing that’s happened has continued to eat away at my ego and leave me so stunned that I honestly don’t believe that I’ll ever be able to recover. On top of that, I really don’t like my new job as nobody has really helped me along, but I am expected to know everything like I’ve been doing this for years. I haven’t been trained properly and that is frustrating when you are expected to just jump right in and have all the answers. And since I left Enterprise, I feel like I have no friends at work. And I hate the work schedule and having to work so many nights and long stretches. I miss my weekends off and spending time with Monica and Brandon when it’s my time to get to be with them.

So with the stresses at work compounded with my fragile emotional state, I’m a total and complete wreck. What did I do? What have I done to deserve this? It all seems so unfair. The pain that I feel isn’t physical – that would be easy to face and treat. But the pain that I’m feeling is so emotionally overbearing, I don’t know what I can do to keep myself from losing it all. I’ve been suicidal for many, many years. There’s a reason that I’ve finally gotten around to completing my Will, of course. My goodbye letters have already been written. I’m just so tired of being empty inside. I just feel like all is lost and there is no hope for me to find happiness anymore.

Life goes on...

Wednesday 5/3 1:00pm

Well, I’ve just gotten to work about an hour ago and things aren’t looking too busy just yet. I hope things will pick up, but with this being the week leading up to Derby, it’s probably going to be slow for the next few days. I just got our new schedule yesterday and I work tonight till 9, tomorrow 9-4 (I have a doctor’s appt. at 4:15) and Friday from 12-9. At least tomorrow will be an early day.

I’m not sure what Monica and Brandon’s plans are for Saturday, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they have their own Derby plans. If they do, I’ll probably see them only on Sunday. But if they don’t have anything going on, I will be glad to see them. I don’t have anything planned myself, but Jason did invite me to go to his house for a Derby party. I’m not sure if I’m going to go or not. I know he feels sorry for me about what happened between Jenny and me, but if I go to his house by myself, I’ll probably just wind up getting depressed. Speaking of Jenny, still no response from her on the favor I asked her about. If I don’t hear from her by the weekend, I guess I’ll just put Mark down as the executor of my estate so I can get my Will witnessed and notarized. At least that’s one big thing I can cross of my list finally. I know I should have done it years ago, but just kept putting if off.

Well, it’s now a little after 7:30. Shortly after I wrote the above passage, it started getting busy and didn’t let up till about half an hour ago. And I was playing catch up and sending an email to one of my new Mojo friends until now. Last night turned out to be surprisingly interesting, but I don’t want to go into all the details. But suffice it to say that the evening wasn’t what I had planned. In the end, everything turned out quite well.

I’m going to close for now. I’m actually a little tired at the moment and I want to walk out front to see what might be going on. I will probably write more soon. But for now, I bid you goodbye.

Another day in paridise

5/2 4:40pm


Well, I haven’t visited my journal in a couple of days, so I thought I’d offer an update. Even though there isn’t much to say as of right now. I have been at work every day since Thursday and today is Tuesday. And I have three more days to go after today. If you notice the time of this posting, you will see that I’m actually at work at the moment. I get off today at 6:00. This is the first time I have actually written anything for my journal while at work, and since it’s been so slow, I needed something to do.

Work hasn’t been too busy for the past several days. And with this being the week before the Derby, it probably won’t pick up much until next week. While this is my weekend off, it turns out that the dealership has decided to have everybody work every day this week and we will be closed on Saturday for the Derby. So schedule-wise, I get screwed on that too – even if it weren’t my weekend off, I would have had it off anyway…… What can you do?

No big plans for later when I get home. Maybe just a stop at Wal-Mart or the Dollar Tree store. I don’t need much; just a couple of small things. After that, I’ll probably just surf the ‘Net for awhile and probably read before bed as usual.

Not to dwell on a much dwelled-upon topic, but I still haven’t heard anything back from Jenny about being the executrix of my Will. I’ll check my mail when I get home to see if she replied to me yet. If she decides not to, then I’ll ask Mark to take on the responsibility. But I was hoping to hear back from her one way or the other, as I need to print my Will listing the executor/executrix. And I want to know whom it will be before I get it witnessed and notarized. Hopefully I’ll know which way I need to go in the next few days. All I need is an answer from her.

Well, I’ll probably visit again soon. But for now, there’s not too much more to report.

"And then, depression set in..." - Stripes

Sunday 4/30 10:40am

I have to go to work in a little while, darn it. I sure wish I didn’t have to. I like to relax on Sundays, but at least it’s a relatively short one (noon till 6:00 or so). So at least I’ll get home to rest up a little bit. Since today is the last day of the month and tomorrow will be EOM closeout (when I’ll have to work 9-9) and I’ll have to work every day this, it will be a long stretch.

It’s been cool, cloudy and rainy since yesterday morning with more of the same expected for the next few days. Gloomy. And that’s kind of how I feel too. For some reason, I’m more depressed today than usual. I just can’t seem to shake it. I feel like I don’t have a friend in the world and that I don’t have anything to look forward to. Hopefully I’ll get out of this funk soon. It’s really getting old.

I haven’t heard anything back from Jenny yet about the favor I asked her to consider. But it will probably be a few days longer anyway. She doesn’t check her mail every day and I asked her to reply by mail. We’ll see if she will be willing to do that for me. If she won’t, I’ll find someone else to take it on.

Well, I need to start getting some things ready for work, so I’ll wrap up for now.

Something to think about - define love

4/29 10:35am


I have been thinking a lot about something that a new friend of mine said this past week. We were talking (chatting online, actually) about love and relationships. And she has had a rough time in that area as well (I guess we all have at some point), but she said that when it came to love, and I quote, “I will share myself with someone, but I will not get lost within them”. It was a comment that was actually quite profound really. It actually made me want to question what I thought the definition of love was. I thought that when you were so deeply in love, that’s what you do, you get lost in that person. And I guess that’s what happened to me with Jenny. And it’s also probably why the pain of that loss has been so deep. So is that how we are supposed to define love – that I’ll give my heart to you, but not all of it? Should we always be guarded in this manner? I know that for me, now, that will always be the case. I can never give myself over totally to another ever again. But that’s because I want to protect myself from ever experiencing the pain that I’m going through now. Still though, I don’t think it’s fair to the other person – to hold yourself back. And that’s why I don’t ever think I will love another woman again. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I would be afraid of getting hurt and she wouldn’t be getting 100% of all that I could offer. Interesting what my new friend had to say. In this same vain, she also mentioned that you have to set boundaries with your love. Can true love really have such artificial limitations? I don’t know the answer. But I used to believe that when you truly loved somebody, that you would give yourself over to them completely. And like the recurring theme has been in my writings, I don’t want to put myself in the position of vulnerability like that anymore. So as you can see, it’s quite a dilemma that I face; knowing that I want to protect my heart, I can’t totally give myself over to anyone again. But if love ever happened to find me, would I be cheating the other person by holding back? I think I understand what my friend was saying, but still, I respectfully disagree to the fundamentals of her philosophy. Obviously, she’s very protective of her heart and has built up those barriers as I have. Still, it seems sad to me that I’m not the only one who feels this way. The loneliness will continue to march on.

On the positive side, I did meet a new cyber pal last night. She “hotboxed” me and I replied. Then we chatted online for awhile. We seem to have a lot of common interests, so maybe I’ve found a new friend to help pass the time.

Cross on more thing off my list!

4/27 7:05am

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good one. I had more ups than downs, so overall, things went well. In the morning, I tackled a project that I’ve been neglecting for years – I made out a Will. I know I should have taken care of this a long time ago, but it’s just one of those things that, as they say, “I never got around to it”. A week and a half ago, I got a kit that had instructions and several different templates to use to make out your own Will. Although I already had an idea in mind for the disposal of what little assets I have, without a Will, you can’t be certain how those assets will be distributed. So I worked it out and put it down in the official form. Now all I have to do is gather some witness and a notary together for us to all sign. I will do that in a few days. So that is a big load off my mind to have done that.

I also had lunch with my friend from Enterprise. We had a good time and enjoyed each others company. Later on in the early evening, I had a chance to meet one of my new cyber friends to play a little tennis. It was fun. Although she admitted she hasn’t ever played before, I admired her courage to take on the challenge to give it a try. We played for about an hour and got a chance to learn a little about each other along the way. She’s only been in Louisville for a little over a year, so she’s been busy trying to meet new people and make new friends. She seems to have made a lot in such a short time. She said that the website I’ve been introduced to recently, Louisville Mojo, has allowed her to meet lots of new people and gain friends. And even though I’ve only known about this site for a couple weeks now, I am really enjoying finding interesting people.

On the other hand, I had a falling out with one of my other new friend that I mentioned a few days ago. But that’s okay; we weren’t really going to click that well anyway, in the long run. Better to realize that early on, I suppose.

Another event worth noting; I wrote Jenny a very short letter yesterday. What actually prompted my sending her were two things. First, a few days ago, I came across a warranty brochure for some earrings that I gave her for Christmas this past year. I thought it would be something she should have in case she ever needed to have any repairs or cleaning done to them. So I wanted to send this to her. But I also asked her a big favor too. Since she’s one of the most organized and competent people I know, and I just drafted my Will, I asked her if she would be the executrix of my estate. I said I knew that I was asking a lot, and if she felt awkward or just didn’t want to do this for me, I would understand. I asked her to let me know her answer by letter. I mailed it yesterday. A copy of the letter follows:


April 26, 2006


Dear Jenny,

Since I haven’t heard from you, so I can only assume that you have been keeping pretty busy and have moved ahead with your life. I hope things are going well for you these days. As you might imagine, my life has lots of new events, but not many have been for the better. But I don’t want to be negative.

I told you in my last email that I wouldn’t email or call you anymore unless you were the one to initiate contact. So I’ve tried to hold true to that statement, but I also wanted to pass along something that I found recently while I was going through some papers. I found the enclosed warranty information on the earrings that I gave you for Christmas. I figured you might want to have it in case you ever needed to have any repairs made or cleanings done. But since I am sending this to you, I thought I would at least try to compose you a short letter to accompany it.

As I said, I don’t want to be negative, so I won’t talk about myself or what I’ve gone through over the past few weeks or so. But I do have a huge favor to ask. If you don’t want to do it, I’ll understand and try to find someone else who might be able to. Not to sound too morbid, but I have been working on a Will. I’ve never had one before, and I have come to the realization that I should. I just never got around to it. So I have taken it upon myself to take care of finally getting it done. I actually completed it and now just need to get witnesses and a notary to sign off on it to make it official. So here’s my favor that I’d like to ask – would you mind to be the executrix of my estate? I know it’s a lot to ask and may seem a little awkward for you, but you are the most capable person that I know who could do this. I know it’s a large burden to take on, but I would really appreciate knowing that I would have someone who could take care of things after I’m gone. All I have in this world are Monica and Brandon and I would like to ensure that they would be left with what few possessions and what little money I might have acquired. I also have a few other bequests for other family members and for you, although nothing specific is mentioned.

No, not to worry, I’m still in good health. I am fine. It’s just that we really never know what the future might bring. I know that I sure don’t. But I felt like it was time that I took an important step to make sure that whenever I’m gone, there wouldn’t be too much difficulty in dividing any assets that I might have.

Again, please don’t worry about me. And I would ask that you simply let me know by letter if you would grant me this last favor.


Respectfully yours,
Alan


Did I sound like I was trying to make her feel bad by saying that not much has happened in my life that’s been positive in the past few weeks? That wasn’t my intention. But she may perceive it that way. I was just being honest.

Well, like I said, a lot happened yesterday and most all of it was good. Last night at 9:00, Brandon called me to ask if he could come to work with me for “Take Your Child to Work” Day. I said that would be fine, but that he would probably be bored. He said he’ll bring some things to entertain himself with. And it gets him out of school……..

Today will be a long one at work as I have to work 9-9 or later. Tuesday I didn’t leave till after 10:00. And it’s the first day of a nine-day stretch without a day off. So I’ll just have to take it one day at a time. Much the same way as I’ve been living lately.

Kacey contacted me last night asking me to try to help her figure out what she can do about her car lease. She happens to lease a Mustang from Bill Collins and wondered if there was a way she can somehow lower her payments. I said that I had no idea if that’s possible, but I would check into it for her. Her life has apparently had some pretty rough spots in it too lately. Join the club.