Alan's world

Getting better every day

2006-05-25T07:54:00.000-04:00

Thursday May 25, 2006 7:30am

The past few days have been good ones. I was off yesterday, but have to work 9-9 today. And lately we have been a little busier at the dealership and have had customers there quite late. In fact, I didn’t leave Tuesday night until 10:40. Last week it was the same thing with having to stay past our normal hours. But I suppose that it’s good for the company to be bringing in the business, even if it means I have to work extra. Coming up is Memorial Day weekend and I have to work every day from now till Tuesday, so that will be a little tough since so many people will be off from work and I’m not.

I have been feeling more positive lately too. I have met a few more Mojo friends and have enjoyed corresponding with them quite a bit. I also had dinner yesterday with the same friend that I met last Wednesday. We had a good time and enjoyed each other’s company. She’s very nice and has a very bright outlook. She has two children very close to Monica and Brandon’s ages. Her daughter is 16 and her son is 15. She’s a school teacher and today is the last day of school for the students, both where she works in New Albany and here in Jefferson County. So the summer vacations begin tomorrow for the school kids.

I’m not sure if it’s due to my new friendships I’ve been making or perhaps the medicine I’ve been taking, but I suspect it’s a combination of both that has given me a more positive attitude. I’m supposed to go back to the doctor next Thursday for a follow up visit. I will have some good news to report to him. And although the prescription samples he gave me will be expensive when I have to buy them, I’m hoping that he will order the equivalent medicine that’s available in a generic form. It will cost 1/5 as much with my co-payment. And I have done a little research and believe that there is a medicine that is comparable.

At least, things are starting to seem brighter for me lately. Well, enough for this entry. I’ll revisit in a few days.

Elevator ride - Downs and ups...

2006-05-22T06:46:00.000-04:00

Saturday 5/13/06 12:45p

I guess a lot has happened since my last entry. For starters, my computer at home was having some big problems and I ended up taking it to Best Buy on Tuesday morning to have it looked at. They did a quick diagnostic while I was there and found that the hard drive was bad. While that is covered under the extended service plan that I bought, I still ended up having to pay over $200 for the data on the drive to be transferred onto the new one and a backup made. Plus having some additional anti-virus and spyware software installed. I was told it would take 3-4 days for the repairs and when I called yesterday and talked with one of the technicians, he said he was working on it as we were speaking. But it’s still not ready yet. Hopefully, I’ll get a call today saying it’s fixed.

So being without a computer at home has been a little tough. It has been my hobby and almost my lifeline to the outside world. And while I haven’t been exactly overwhelmed at work the past few days, I just haven’t taken the time to add any entries here. I did however write a letter to Jenny that I felt I needed to compose to let her know what my feelings were. But afterwards, even though I felt better about putting these things down on paper, I wasn’t sure if sending it was the right thing to do. I even asked a couple people for their opinions. One said she wouldn’t send it, the other said that she thought I should just let it “gel” and go back to it in a few days to see if I still felt the same way. I have done that and after careful consideration, I feel that the best thing for me to do is to include the letter in this journal but it would be best if this were never sent. It’s a way for me to try to bring some closure to the situation without causing anyone any further hurt. For as easy at it seemed for Jenny to shut me out of her life, I realize that this whole situation might be somewhat painful for her as well.

As you can probably tell at this point, I am quite fond of using analogies in my verbal communication. And the one thought keeps recurring to me about the way I felt Jenny treated me – I was like old garbage that she took out to the street to be picked up and taken away. I’m sure that’s not the way she intended to have things happen, but it’s the best way I can describe the way I perceive it. And everything that happens in life is all about perceptions. Good, bad or otherwise, our actions are always going to be subject to the interpretation of others. Here’s the letter I wrote:

May 9, 2006

Dear Jenny, tomorrow will be two weeks since I wrote you a letter and asked a favor. I haven’t heard anything back from you, so I assume that the lack of a response means your answer is “no”. Like I said when I wrote, I would understand if you had felt uncomfortable in doing what I asked. Still, I wish you had replied to at least let me know that. At this point, I will ask my brother to be the executor of my estate. This way, at least I can get my Will notarized and witnessed. Tomorrow is also another date which I will never forget as it will be exactly one year since I first emailed you and what began the start of our “second” relationship. It will be a day of mixed emotions for me. Of course, I have had a lot of days of very mixed and painful emotions over the past few weeks.

I know that I told you I began keeping a journal and even sent you a few of my earlier entries. I have continued to write down my thoughts and it has been of some help. But moving on hasn’t been easy for me. I have lost weight and even went to the doctor last week and asked him to give me a prescription for some anti-depression medication. I hope that it will help. I have never been this messed up before in my life. However, I’m not writing this to try to make you feel guilty and I’m not going to go into any more specifics about how I feel other than to say one thing. And it will be the last time I initiate any communication with you.

The thing I wanted to say was this: You said that you wanted to continue to remain friends, “good friends” in your words. And yet, I haven’t heard a single thing from you since our last phone conversation on April 2nd when you said your decision to break up was final and that you didn’t love me. I emailed to you shortly after that and said I wouldn’t contact you unless you initiated it. And of course, I broke that vow when I wrote you the letter two weeks ago. Still though, I’ve heard nothing from you. I felt that for every day that passed without any word from you, that the likelihood of our being friends was diminishing. So I’m sad to say that at this point, I don’t think that a friendship is possible.

I fell deeply in love with you and while I was still in that state, you pulled away from me. Who’s fault it was, I have no idea, but I can only assume that it had something to do with the way I was smothering you. A friend of mine said recently that when it comes to relationships, “I will share myself with you, but I will not lose myself within you”. I think that’s probably a good philosophy to have. What I did was lose myself in you. I thought that was what love was supposed to be. Sadly, I was wrong. There’s a wonderful Humphrey Bogart line from the movie “Casablanca” that pretty much says everything - “I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me.”

What hurts me the worst was that I knew something was wrong and you had changed in the way you felt about me and that the love you had was diminishing. And when I tried to share those concerns with you, you acted as if nothing was the matter. You weren’t honest with me. That is, until it was too late. We never had the talk that I was looking forward to where we might have been able to get everything out in the open. But we never had the chance. I think even some type of counseling could have made the difference. Now it’s too late. I know you have probably successfully moved on and I wish you well.

I trusted you with my most valuable possession Jenny, my heart. And you broke that trust. I even remember early on in one of the first emails you wrote back to me where you said you didn’t know if I could ever trust you again and that you wouldn’t blame me if I didn’t. Well, I let my guard down completely and did. Only to have that trust once again broken.

I’m so deeply sorry that all of this happened. I blame myself for being too eager and smothering you. And I blame you for not being completely honest with me. If you had, things might not have turned out the way that they have. Now, I will never be able to trust another woman again in my life. Of all people, I thought I could have counted on you.

So let me conclude by saying that I believe that we cannot be friends. I once thought that perhaps in time we could be. But since you haven’t offered that opportunity, I know that it will never happen. As I’ve said before, I think you are a wonderful and amazing person and I will always treasure the good times that we had. And I only wish the best for you and your family. I hope that you will someday find what you are looking for and I wish that you will continue to have a beautiful life.

This, I promise, will be my last letter.

Alan

I felt that by saying these words to her, I was able to put an end to something. But I think that my words would be hurtful and cause her more pain. There’s no need for that. We have both suffered a loss. Although I feel mine is far more deeply felt than hers.

I mentioned in the letter that I have recently been taking medication for depression. I’m not sure if it has had much of an effect just yet and I know that sometimes it can take a few weeks for positive results to be seen. But I have reached the end in some ways and am trying to grab hold of something to give me some stability. I have been strongly considering taking a very difficult step for the past few months. Actually, I’ve been wrestling with this for years, but the feeling of determination to take action has only intensified as the days and weeks have passed. I believe there is only one real solution that I can seek even though I know it will be very difficult for those I leave behind.

Today is a memorable day for me as well. It was one year ago to this day that I moved into my apartment. After a couple weeks of unpacking and trading emails with Jenny, we first met after such a long absence a few days before Memorial Day weekend. Knowing then what I do now, I probably wouldn’t have wanted for us to start our relationship over again. There were wonderful times, of course. But the emptiness and pain that I feel today aren’t worth the price. There is that famous saying from a Tennyson poem that goes “’tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all”. I’m not so sure about that. I’m really not.

I’m not sure how many more entries into this journal I plan on making from this point. It may be dozens or only a few. A lot depends on how the next week or so goes. I am so very tired and feel so alone and empty. I don’t live anymore, I simply exist. And that’s no way to be. To just go through the motions of an everyday, monotonous life is such a wasted effort. I have nothing to look forward to. I just want to find peace.

Saturday 5/20 9:10am

Well, it’s been another week since my last entry and it has been a very busy and good one overall I think. There’s a lot of catching up to do, so let me get started. First, I was quite busy last Sunday and into Monday trying to retrieve and re-create the documents that I lost when my computer’s hard drive was damaged. And while I will sorely miss the pictures that I will never be able to have again, I can handle that. If nothing else, I have learned to not be so lazy and always make a CD of anything I want to save from my computer. But things are as back to normal with the computer situation as I suppose they can be.

I also worked a great deal this week including Thursday when I worked from 9am and didn’t leave till 10:30 that night. But that’s a good indication that business is starting to pick up a little. And it has been suffering quite badly up until this point. I am still concerned about possibly getting laid off due to lack of sales, but if things continue to stay busy, I suppose my job is secure. However, if things still don’t work out, it will be okay. I know I’ll be able to find another job in a similar field without too much difficulty. I’ll just have to buy a cheap used car to get me around.

I also have some good news for me as far as my outlook on things. In my previous entry, I concluded by saying I’d see how the next week or so went. Well, it was a good one. I actually got a chance to meet another one of my new Mojo friends for dinner on Wednesday night. We have been “hotboxing” messages, Instant Messaging and emailing for a little while now. And we decided to try to get together for dinner. We met at a restaurant downtown called The Old Spaghetti Factory. I knew from our conversations thus far that we had a lot of things in common and that she had really suffered a great deal, but has such a positive attitude that it was impossible not to be inspired by her. Her name is Trish and she teaches third grade in New Albany. Although she actually lives a little further west in Indiana. We had a great first meeting and I know that she will be a good friend. And we both agree that we really aren’t looking for anything more than that at this point. So I hope that we will continue to exchange emails, messages and to get together from time to time. She is a very nice, sweet lady and I’m glad to have the opportunity to consider her a friend. Thanks Trish, you’ve given me a new outlook.

Also, Wednesday morning I got a “hotbox” message from a woman from the Lexington Mojo site. Her question was very short and direct. She obviously read my profile and on it, there’s one final comment where I describe myself and I said, “Sorry Jenny, you blew it --“ She asked me who Jenny was and how did she blow it. So I told her the whole story. And that simple question and the following reply opened up the beginnings of a great long-distance cyber-friendship. Her name is Paige and she too is divorced and has two children. She’s been in Lexington for four years and loves it there. We exchanged many messages over the next several days and have shared a lot of our life stories. Even though we’ve only been very recently acquainted, I know she’s going to be a very nice addition to my small group of friends. So I also thank you Paige for helping me see things from a new perspective.

So as you can see, I have had two very positive experiences this past week that have helped me start the turn to slide I was going down. Thank you ladies. You’ll never know how much it has meant. Truly.

How much more can I bear?

2006-05-05T17:25:00.000-04:00

Friday 5/5/06 1:15pm

Well, I’ve only been at work for a little over an hour and am already pretty bored. Hopefully things will keep me busy later on since I’m here till 9:00 tonight. And it will seem especially long since I have worked the past eight days straight and have the weekend off. I imagine that today will seem to drag on and the weekend will just fly by. That’s usually how it goes, isn’t it?

I have come to realize many things in the past month or so. Some have been harder to accept than others. It has led me to discover different parts of myself and my outlook on relationships, love and life. I am trying to learn from this experience and put things in perspective, but it is proving to be very, very difficult. As I’ve said, some moments and some days are better than others, but as hard as I’m trying to get over some of these turmoils, they seem overwhelming at times. Right now, my life doesn’t seem to have any direction or purpose. I feel so empty inside. I feel like I used to be somebody with good things to offer to others, but my self-esteem has been completely destroyed. My heart has always been in the right place and I would try to put others’ feelings and well being ahead of my own. But what good has it done me?

Something else that’s been upsetting me is that I haven’t heard a single word from Jenny since we last talked on the phone over a month ago. I had a thought in the back of my mind that she would at least send me an email to offer a little more of an explanation about why she made the decision that she did. But obviously she hasn’t cared enough to do that for me. And lately, what really bothers me is that she hasn’t acknowledged the letter that I wrote and mailed to her over a week ago when I asked her about being executrix of my Will. As I’ve said, I know that it may have been asking a lot of her and that it might seem awkward for her to accept my request, but she’s never replied to me at all. Each day that passes, I feel like the likelihood of our ever really being able to be friends is diminished even further. What has led her to completely shut me out of her life? I guess one of the more difficult aspects of this whole situation is that I trusted her. I know I trusted her with my heart. And as I keep going back to saying, when I felt that she was somehow distancing herself from me months ago, and I asked her about my concerns, she never told me. I expressed my fears that something was wrong and that she was pulling away, but she avoided the issue. Now, when I reflect on what she said when she wanted to break apart and said we should go our separate ways, all I understand is this; I don’t love you anymore and I want your things out of my house. See for yourself, here’s exactly what she wrote: Hey! Since we haven't had time to talk about this, I will do what you always do and just write you a note.....I did a lot of thinking while I was away last weekend, and I can only say I don't have an explanation for what has happened between us. It is strained and tense when we are together. It is nothing that you have done---I am sure it is all my fault but I refuse to have this continue any longer. When I saw the sadness in your eyes last week, and knew it is because of me, that made me realize that we must go our separate ways......you need to find someone more suitable for you that will bring you happiness!! You deserve that! I hope we can still be friends though.......I am so sorry!!! I never meant to hurt you in any way but I have......I know when we started dating again you were on the rebound, and I should have waited to see you until you had had time to get over your marriage. I feel so badly that I have caused you so much pain and sadness. I will never forgive myself. Let me know if you want me to bring over the stuff you have over here----I could take it to your apt when you are working if that is okay...or you can come here.....totally your call! Talk to you later about this if you want to.Jen

In so very few words, she managed to totally destroy my life and tell me that I needed to find someone more suitable for me. Ha, what a joke! She’s the one who told me to get out of her life and take my stuff with me. Sure, she said she hoped we could still be friends, but she hasn’t written or spoken a word to me in over a month. I sent her an email a month ago saying that I wouldn’t bother her with calls or emails unless she was the one who initiated it. I didn’t want to act like I was desperately trying to keep us together or be a nuisance. So I left things like that and that if she was interested in contacting me, I would wait. She certainly never has. That sends me a pretty strong signal that she’s shut me out of her life completely. And she thinks we can still be friends? Some way to try to build or maintain a friendship, if you ask me. She mentions that she thinks I was “on the rebound”, but my love for never diminished during the time that we were apart. I thought we just picked up from a good point from where we left off so long ago. Will I ever, truly trust another woman in matters of the heart again? Absolutely never. Absolutely never, ever again.

As hard as I try to put this break-up behind me, I still have tremendous struggles. Again, I’m trying to put things in perspective, but I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if I will ever be able to lay it to rest and be at peace. And that’s why it is so hard to move ahead. This thing that’s happened has continued to eat away at my ego and leave me so stunned that I honestly don’t believe that I’ll ever be able to recover. On top of that, I really don’t like my new job as nobody has really helped me along, but I am expected to know everything like I’ve been doing this for years. I haven’t been trained properly and that is frustrating when you are expected to just jump right in and have all the answers. And since I left Enterprise, I feel like I have no friends at work. And I hate the work schedule and having to work so many nights and long stretches. I miss my weekends off and spending time with Monica and Brandon when it’s my time to get to be with them.

So with the stresses at work compounded with my fragile emotional state, I’m a total and complete wreck. What did I do? What have I done to deserve this? It all seems so unfair. The pain that I feel isn’t physical – that would be easy to face and treat. But the pain that I’m feeling is so emotionally overbearing, I don’t know what I can do to keep myself from losing it all. I’ve been suicidal for many, many years. There’s a reason that I’ve finally gotten around to completing my Will, of course. My goodbye letters have already been written. I’m just so tired of being empty inside. I just feel like all is lost and there is no hope for me to find happiness anymore.

Life goes on...

2006-05-04T07:03:00.000-04:00

Wednesday 5/3 1:00pm

Well, I’ve just gotten to work about an hour ago and things aren’t looking too busy just yet. I hope things will pick up, but with this being the week leading up to Derby, it’s probably going to be slow for the next few days. I just got our new schedule yesterday and I work tonight till 9, tomorrow 9-4 (I have a doctor’s appt. at 4:15) and Friday from 12-9. At least tomorrow will be an early day.

I’m not sure what Monica and Brandon’s plans are for Saturday, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they have their own Derby plans. If they do, I’ll probably see them only on Sunday. But if they don’t have anything going on, I will be glad to see them. I don’t have anything planned myself, but Jason did invite me to go to his house for a Derby party. I’m not sure if I’m going to go or not. I know he feels sorry for me about what happened between Jenny and me, but if I go to his house by myself, I’ll probably just wind up getting depressed. Speaking of Jenny, still no response from her on the favor I asked her about. If I don’t hear from her by the weekend, I guess I’ll just put Mark down as the executor of my estate so I can get my Will witnessed and notarized. At least that’s one big thing I can cross of my list finally. I know I should have done it years ago, but just kept putting if off.

Well, it’s now a little after 7:30. Shortly after I wrote the above passage, it started getting busy and didn’t let up till about half an hour ago. And I was playing catch up and sending an email to one of my new Mojo friends until now. Last night turned out to be surprisingly interesting, but I don’t want to go into all the details. But suffice it to say that the evening wasn’t what I had planned. In the end, everything turned out quite well.

I’m going to close for now. I’m actually a little tired at the moment and I want to walk out front to see what might be going on. I will probably write more soon. But for now, I bid you goodbye.

Another day in paridise

2006-05-04T07:00:00.000-04:00

5/2 4:40pm

Well, I haven’t visited my journal in a couple of days, so I thought I’d offer an update. Even though there isn’t much to say as of right now. I have been at work every day since Thursday and today is Tuesday. And I have three more days to go after today. If you notice the time of this posting, you will see that I’m actually at work at the moment. I get off today at 6:00. This is the first time I have actually written anything for my journal while at work, and since it’s been so slow, I needed something to do.

Work hasn’t been too busy for the past several days. And with this being the week before the Derby, it probably won’t pick up much until next week. While this is my weekend off, it turns out that the dealership has decided to have everybody work every day this week and we will be closed on Saturday for the Derby. So schedule-wise, I get screwed on that too – even if it weren’t my weekend off, I would have had it off anyway…… What can you do?

No big plans for later when I get home. Maybe just a stop at Wal-Mart or the Dollar Tree store. I don’t need much; just a couple of small things. After that, I’ll probably just surf the ‘Net for awhile and probably read before bed as usual.

Not to dwell on a much dwelled-upon topic, but I still haven’t heard anything back from Jenny about being the executrix of my Will. I’ll check my mail when I get home to see if she replied to me yet. If she decides not to, then I’ll ask Mark to take on the responsibility. But I was hoping to hear back from her one way or the other, as I need to print my Will listing the executor/executrix. And I want to know whom it will be before I get it witnessed and notarized. Hopefully I’ll know which way I need to go in the next few days. All I need is an answer from her.

Well, I’ll probably visit again soon. But for now, there’s not too much more to report.

"And then, depression set in..." - Stripes

2006-04-30T10:56:00.000-04:00

Sunday 4/30 10:40am

I have to go to work in a little while, darn it. I sure wish I didn’t have to. I like to relax on Sundays, but at least it’s a relatively short one (noon till 6:00 or so). So at least I’ll get home to rest up a little bit. Since today is the last day of the month and tomorrow will be EOM closeout (when I’ll have to work 9-9) and I’ll have to work every day this, it will be a long stretch.

It’s been cool, cloudy and rainy since yesterday morning with more of the same expected for the next few days. Gloomy. And that’s kind of how I feel too. For some reason, I’m more depressed today than usual. I just can’t seem to shake it. I feel like I don’t have a friend in the world and that I don’t have anything to look forward to. Hopefully I’ll get out of this funk soon. It’s really getting old.

I haven’t heard anything back from Jenny yet about the favor I asked her to consider. But it will probably be a few days longer anyway. She doesn’t check her mail every day and I asked her to reply by mail. We’ll see if she will be willing to do that for me. If she won’t, I’ll find someone else to take it on.

Well, I need to start getting some things ready for work, so I’ll wrap up for now.

Something to think about - define love

2006-04-29T11:01:00.000-04:00

4/29 10:35am

I have been thinking a lot about something that a new friend of mine said this past week. We were talking (chatting online, actually) about love and relationships. And she has had a rough time in that area as well (I guess we all have at some point), but she said that when it came to love, and I quote, “I will share myself with someone, but I will not get lost within them”. It was a comment that was actually quite profound really. It actually made me want to question what I thought the definition of love was. I thought that when you were so deeply in love, that’s what you do, you get lost in that person. And I guess that’s what happened to me with Jenny. And it’s also probably why the pain of that loss has been so deep. So is that how we are supposed to define love – that I’ll give my heart to you, but not all of it? Should we always be guarded in this manner? I know that for me, now, that will always be the case. I can never give myself over totally to another ever again. But that’s because I want to protect myself from ever experiencing the pain that I’m going through now. Still though, I don’t think it’s fair to the other person – to hold yourself back. And that’s why I don’t ever think I will love another woman again. It wouldn’t be fair to either of us. I would be afraid of getting hurt and she wouldn’t be getting 100% of all that I could offer. Interesting what my new friend had to say. In this same vain, she also mentioned that you have to set boundaries with your love. Can true love really have such artificial limitations? I don’t know the answer. But I used to believe that when you truly loved somebody, that you would give yourself over to them completely. And like the recurring theme has been in my writings, I don’t want to put myself in the position of vulnerability like that anymore. So as you can see, it’s quite a dilemma that I face; knowing that I want to protect my heart, I can’t totally give myself over to anyone again. But if love ever happened to find me, would I be cheating the other person by holding back? I think I understand what my friend was saying, but still, I respectfully disagree to the fundamentals of her philosophy. Obviously, she’s very protective of her heart and has built up those barriers as I have. Still, it seems sad to me that I’m not the only one who feels this way. The loneliness will continue to march on.

On the positive side, I did meet a new cyber pal last night. She “hotboxed” me and I replied. Then we chatted online for awhile. We seem to have a lot of common interests, so maybe I’ve found a new friend to help pass the time.

Cross on more thing off my list!

2006-04-27T07:39:00.000-04:00

4/27 7:05am

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good one. I had more ups than downs, so overall, things went well. In the morning, I tackled a project that I’ve been neglecting for years – I made out a Will. I know I should have taken care of this a long time ago, but it’s just one of those things that, as they say, “I never got around to it”. A week and a half ago, I got a kit that had instructions and several different templates to use to make out your own Will. Although I already had an idea in mind for the disposal of what little assets I have, without a Will, you can’t be certain how those assets will be distributed. So I worked it out and put it down in the official form. Now all I have to do is gather some witness and a notary together for us to all sign. I will do that in a few days. So that is a big load off my mind to have done that.

I also had lunch with my friend from Enterprise. We had a good time and enjoyed each others company. Later on in the early evening, I had a chance to meet one of my new cyber friends to play a little tennis. It was fun. Although she admitted she hasn’t ever played before, I admired her courage to take on the challenge to give it a try. We played for about an hour and got a chance to learn a little about each other along the way. She’s only been in Louisville for a little over a year, so she’s been busy trying to meet new people and make new friends. She seems to have made a lot in such a short time. She said that the website I’ve been introduced to recently, Louisville Mojo, has allowed her to meet lots of new people and gain friends. And even though I’ve only known about this site for a couple weeks now, I am really enjoying finding interesting people.

On the other hand, I had a falling out with one of my other new friend that I mentioned a few days ago. But that’s okay; we weren’t really going to click that well anyway, in the long run. Better to realize that early on, I suppose.

Another event worth noting; I wrote Jenny a very short letter yesterday. What actually prompted my sending her were two things. First, a few days ago, I came across a warranty brochure for some earrings that I gave her for Christmas this past year. I thought it would be something she should have in case she ever needed to have any repairs or cleaning done to them. So I wanted to send this to her. But I also asked her a big favor too. Since she’s one of the most organized and competent people I know, and I just drafted my Will, I asked her if she would be the executrix of my estate. I said I knew that I was asking a lot, and if she felt awkward or just didn’t want to do this for me, I would understand. I asked her to let me know her answer by letter. I mailed it yesterday. A copy of the letter follows:

April 26, 2006

Dear Jenny,

Since I haven’t heard from you, so I can only assume that you have been keeping pretty busy and have moved ahead with your life. I hope things are going well for you these days. As you might imagine, my life has lots of new events, but not many have been for the better. But I don’t want to be negative.

I told you in my last email that I wouldn’t email or call you anymore unless you were the one to initiate contact. So I’ve tried to hold true to that statement, but I also wanted to pass along something that I found recently while I was going through some papers. I found the enclosed warranty information on the earrings that I gave you for Christmas. I figured you might want to have it in case you ever needed to have any repairs made or cleanings done. But since I am sending this to you, I thought I would at least try to compose you a short letter to accompany it.

As I said, I don’t want to be negative, so I won’t talk about myself or what I’ve gone through over the past few weeks or so. But I do have a huge favor to ask. If you don’t want to do it, I’ll understand and try to find someone else who might be able to. Not to sound too morbid, but I have been working on a Will. I’ve never had one before, and I have come to the realization that I should. I just never got around to it. So I have taken it upon myself to take care of finally getting it done. I actually completed it and now just need to get witnesses and a notary to sign off on it to make it official. So here’s my favor that I’d like to ask – would you mind to be the executrix of my estate? I know it’s a lot to ask and may seem a little awkward for you, but you are the most capable person that I know who could do this. I know it’s a large burden to take on, but I would really appreciate knowing that I would have someone who could take care of things after I’m gone. All I have in this world are Monica and Brandon and I would like to ensure that they would be left with what few possessions and what little money I might have acquired. I also have a few other bequests for other family members and for you, although nothing specific is mentioned.

No, not to worry, I’m still in good health. I am fine. It’s just that we really never know what the future might bring. I know that I sure don’t. But I felt like it was time that I took an important step to make sure that whenever I’m gone, there wouldn’t be too much difficulty in dividing any assets that I might have.

Again, please don’t worry about me. And I would ask that you simply let me know by letter if you would grant me this last favor.

Respectfully yours,
Alan

Did I sound like I was trying to make her feel bad by saying that not much has happened in my life that’s been positive in the past few weeks? That wasn’t my intention. But she may perceive it that way. I was just being honest.

Well, like I said, a lot happened yesterday and most all of it was good. Last night at 9:00, Brandon called me to ask if he could come to work with me for “Take Your Child to Work” Day. I said that would be fine, but that he would probably be bored. He said he’ll bring some things to entertain himself with. And it gets him out of school……..

Today will be a long one at work as I have to work 9-9 or later. Tuesday I didn’t leave till after 10:00. And it’s the first day of a nine-day stretch without a day off. So I’ll just have to take it one day at a time. Much the same way as I’ve been living lately.

Kacey contacted me last night asking me to try to help her figure out what she can do about her car lease. She happens to lease a Mustang from Bill Collins and wondered if there was a way she can somehow lower her payments. I said that I had no idea if that’s possible, but I would check into it for her. Her life has apparently had some pretty rough spots in it too lately. Join the club.

Louisville Mojo is cool - helping me meet new friends

2006-04-25T09:29:00.000-04:00

4/25 9:05am

Nothing much to report today. Yesterday was okay but I was glad when the workday was over. Work was a little hectic and I never got to really take a break to eat lunch. I did take a short break for a few minutes and that was about all. But it’s good that we were busy. So far, the month hasn’t been all that great. I hope the business continues to be strong to finish up the month in decent shape.

I’m off tomorrow and have plans to go to lunch with one of my ERAC friends. This time, it is supposed to be just the two of us, but perhaps a few others will join us. And I’m possibly going to play tennis tomorrow afternoon. A lot depends on the weather. It’s supposed to rain this afternoon and get a lot cooler. I’m not sure what the forecast is for tomorrow, but I think it will be cloudy and cool. If the weather is not going to be great for an outdoor activity, I may go see a movie or something.

I did make some changes to my profile on my new favorite website, Louisville Mojo last night. I added a few random thoughts that might make me seem a little more like my real personality and not so serious sounding. I find myself looking forward to getting home from work to go online and check the site and finding interesting people to chat with. I’ve gotten a few “hot box” messages from a few people who said that they liked my profile and might be interested in becoming friends. And I’m all for that.

After tomorrow’s day off, I think I have to work the next nine days in a row. That will make for a LONG stretch. I’m sure I’ll be glad to get through that. But rather than looking at it as such a tough journey, I’m going to try to just take it one day at a time. Just like I’ve been trying to with my life in general. I’ve had some good moments lately, but mostly they aren’t so good. I like it when I’m busier at work so I don’t have too much time to dwell on the negative. And during my time off, I’m also trying to occupy my time enough to keep my feelings of loneliness at bay. That’s why I’ve been trying to meet new friends online. And I’ve been so busy in that pursuit; I haven’t had as much time for reading. That’s okay though, because sometimes, I can’t concentrate for very long periods when trying to read.

I have to work late tonight, so I’m not sure when I’ll have a chance to enter more into my journal. Perhaps tomorrow night I will have a little time to give a report of the day’s activities. Until then….

Who can you trust?

2006-04-23T11:55:00.000-04:00

4/23/06 11:30am

Today’s essay is about trust. Or perhaps better said, lack of trust. I hate to sound so cynical and absolute, but I have recently entered a stage that I’ll refer to as the “No Trust Zone”. Communication and honesty are the key elements in any relationship. Without them, there is no real future. And you are only fooling yourselves if you think otherwise. So not only have I built up a fortress around my heart, I’m also building walls around my ability to place trust in others. I hope that this won’t always be the case, but until something comes along that’s significant enough for me to rethink my decision, I’m not going to be able to have a lot of faith in what others tell me. While I don’t really want to go into specifics, I’ll just say that it seems like my disappointment with others has continued to grow rather than to diminish. That’s too bad, really. But as the saying goes, “live and learn”. Another adage also comes to mind as well: “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.”

Today promises to be a nice day as far as the weather is concerned. Yesterday was beautiful also. I got outside for a walk earlier and will probably be outdoors a lot more here in a bit. I’m going to pick up Monica shortly and Brandon will be coming over around 3:00. I’m not sure what our plans are, but maybe we can do something fun outside. And of course, it will be good to see them no matter what we do. They are terrific. I am happier when we are together. But sometimes, I feel incredibly sad and even cry when I have to take them home after out time is over.
More later my journal friend

Another day in the life.......

2006-04-22T23:13:00.000-04:00

4/22 11:00pm

It’s been a few days since my last entry. I’ve had some ups and downs since then, but who hasn’t? Today was a beautiful day and I was looking forward to finishing work because I had some nice plans. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out like I had hoped. I have a habit of building things up too much and then realizing disappointment in the end. That’s just the way it seems to go for me. Why should I be surprised? I guess I should just learn not to have such high expectations. That’s why I suffer so much sometimes. So I guess I’ll just have to try to learn a lesson. You would think by now I would have. I guess I’m a little slow to catch on.

Tomorrow is another day. And I’ll probably get through it without too many scars. And the next day. And the next. There’s just not a lot to look forward to these days. I’ll try to have a Positive Mental Attitude. We’ll see. There’s a story involved, but I really don’t want to get into it just now. Maybe sometime. But not yet.

Making progress

2006-04-19T09:19:00.000-04:00

4/19 8:50am

The healing process is beginning. I still am not sleeping all that well, and my appetite isn’t very strong (I haven’t really eaten a meal since Sunday), but I like the benefit of the weight loss. I stepped on the scale this morning and I’m down 20 pounds in the last month! Gee, only 20 more and I’ll be able to feel better about my looks (well, at least my body looks, that is). Can’t seem to stop the hair-loss thing though….

I still haven’t heard anything from Jenny. Perhaps I never will, who knows? And for the past few weeks, I’ve been feeling pretty sorry for myself for what happened. Believe me, it’s getting old. So I’m really trying to keep my mind occupied with other things. Sometimes it’s hard not to think about it, but I think I’m making some progress.

A large part of my new outlook is thanks to a new friendship that’s developing. My new friend and I have been chatting online for a few days and talking on the phone a couple of times lately. And yesterday, we met in a park and got to share a little more of ourselves. The weather was beautiful and the park was crowded with kids playing soccer and people walking their dogs and jogging. It was a great afternoon. I’m glad I got a chance to get out and enjoy it. I had a wonderful time being with her too. But it didn’t last long enough. I suppose for a first meeting though, things went pretty good. She’s very understanding and has had her share of bad relationships (perhaps not like mine, but still, the break-ups hurt). So we do share a lot of similar experiences. She’s been burned by guys just as I have been by women. Still, she remains optimistic. And that has opened my eyes. Even though I will always remain guarded where my heart is concerned, I have started taking steps in the right direction. Thank you my new friend. You are great. I hope to see you again soon.

Work-wise, Monday was a pretty good day. I was busy enough that the time passed quickly. I hope that the next few will be the same. I have to work late every day for the rest of the week including the 9:00-9:00 shift on Thursday. But at least on Saturday, I leave at 6:00. The kids won’t be coming over till Sunday, so I’ll have Saturday night free. I’m hoping to spend it with my new friend if things work out. Chatting online, talking on the phone, exchanging emails and hanging out with her has given me something to look forward to. Thanks for being there for me and helping me feel better about myself!

The new day begins

2006-04-17T08:01:00.000-04:00

4/17 7:40am

Good morning. I slept pretty well last night although I woke up too early. I couldn’t sleep past 6:30, but since I went to bed a little after midnight, I guess I did okay. I have always had difficulty sleeping late, so I suppose that will never change.

Today, I work from noon till 9:00, so I have a lot of time this morning before I have to get ready, although I’ve already taken my shower and shaved. I am going to run an errand to the mall before work too. I’ll probably leave around 10:30 or so.

Monica and Brandon did come over for a short visit last night and I was glad to see them. I gave them each a little Easter basket with some goodies in it. They had just come from their grandmother’s house where Kristy’s family all got together for a big meal. The picture above is one of my favorites. It's almost a year old and Brandon has grown a lot since then, I wanted to share it with you. I plan on taking some newer pics now that the weather has started getting warmer.

There’s still been no word from Jenny yet. I was kind of thinking in the back of my mind that since yesterday was a holiday and a time for being grateful for family and friends, that maybe she would have thought of me and perhaps sent me an email. But she didn’t. She’s moved on. And I am trying very hard, everyday, to do the same. It’s difficult.

On the positive side, I made a new cyber friend. And I want protect their privacy, so I won’t go into too many details here. But I chatted online with her a couple times and traded a few emails yesterday. It can never be anything more than a friendship because of several circumstances. Also, like I’ve said, I don’t want any kind of romantic relationship with anyone ever again. Still, it was really nice to be able to connect with another human being, especially now. She is very sympathetic and a good “listener”. She actually made me laugh out loud several times while we were Instant Messaging. So she helped me pass the day without feeling too sorry for myself. And that was just what I needed at this point. Thanks for your help, my new friend.

Today's thoughts

2006-04-16T13:24:00.000-04:00

4/16 10:15am

Good morning. For some reason, I didn’t sleep very well last night. I fell asleep around 12:45, but woke up a little before 6:00 and couldn’t go back to sleep. So I just got up and messed around the apartment a little. Then I took a shower and decided that I wanted to treat myself to breakfast. So around 7:30, I went to Golden Corral for their buffet. I started off with a huge omelet and then had a biscuit with sausage gravy. Then I had some cantaloupe and that was plenty. I haven’t eaten that much for breakfast in a long time. And I probably won’t eat too much else today.

After I ate, I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things for Monica and Brandon’s Easter baskets. I’m not sure when I’ll see them, but at least I’ll have some goodies for them when I do.

While I was eating breakfast, I was trying to read my book to keep my mind occupied, but unfortunately, I kept drifting back to my situation with Jenny. All I kept thinking about was what I might have done to lose her. Why did she fall out of love with me? Are we really so different that she saw no future in our relationship? Like I’ve said before, the major difference that I can see is that she’s always involved in activities and I’m more of a homebody. But I could accept that she liked to keep herself occupied and that her free time was very limited. Perhaps she just couldn’t accept that fact that I wasn’t as dynamic as she is. And again, I am tortured that she never took the opportunity to discuss these things with me before she made the decision to split. My life is so empty now. All I ever seem to be able to do consistently is screw things up and cause pain for myself and those who mean so much to me.

Why wasn’t I given a chance to try to fix the problem that seemed to be growing between Jenny and me? As I’ve said, I had a feeling for awhile that she was becoming more distant in our relationship. And she never expressed her feelings even as I asked her on several occasions what was wrong. Now, not only is my heart shattered, but part of me died when she told me she wanted to go our separate ways and that she didn’t love me anymore.

Recently, I came across a line that Humphrey Bogart spoke in the movie “Casablanca”: "I was born when you kissed me. I died when you left me. I lived a few weeks while you loved me." While I’ve never seen the movie, I believe those words are exactly how I feel. How true. Remarkably true.

Report on yesterday - 4/14

2006-04-15T09:18:00.000-04:00

4/15 8:55am

April 15th, Tax Day. I finished my income tax paperwork on Monday and mailed the return. Unfortunately, since I don’t have any deductions (mortgage interest, claiming a child, etc.), I had to pay Uncle Sam a little bit this year. While many are getting nice refunds, I had to pay a little over two hundred dollars. I guess it could have been worse, so I won’t complain too much about it. And a small comfort is that I will actually get a little bit of a refund from the state. It isn’t much, but it will be enough to take me and the kids out to eat somewhere fairly inexpensive.

Yesterday the weather was beautiful. It was sunny and quite warm. The temperature got up to 88 degrees, just one degree shy of tying the record. Today is supposed to be sunny with a high in the mid 80’s. I wish I didn’t have to work today, but at least on Saturdays, we get to dress more casually, so it’s nice to not have to wear a tie. I work from noon till 9:00, and hopefully the day will be busy and the time will pass quickly.

I did have a nice lunch with some of my pals from ERAC yesterday. Although nobody from the Car Sales office was able to make it. It was good to see some of my former co-workers. I’ve missed some of the relationships I had with many of them. I hope that we can make getting together for lunch a regular event.

Tomorrow is Easter. I don’t have any plans, but I will probably go to the store and buy Monica and Brandon some treats. I did pick up a couple Easter baskets yesterday, so now I need to get some things to go in them.

That’s all the updates I have for now.

2006-04-12T07:57:00.000-04:00

2006-04-11T21:47:00.000-04:00

Journal entry 4/2/06 1:55am

This is meant to be therapeutic, but I’m not sure how effective it will prove to be. Technically, in a few minutes we are supposed to push our clocks ahead to begin the ritual of Daylight Savings Time. But like most, I have already set all the clocks ahead earlier tonight.

I can’t sleep again. This past week has been the worst in my life. I have lost, for a second time, the woman who meant more to me than life itself. On Monday morning, I got an email from Jenny saying that she wanted for us to go our separate ways. Reading those words was like a knife cutting through me. And it pierced my heart. Now my heart is bleeding so profusely that I don’t know if I can survive much longer. What have I done to cause such pain to both of us? Obviously I brought this upon myself and have pushed her to the point where she wanted to break away from me. And what makes this especially hard is the fact that this is the second time I have done it. I thought the first time was devastating enough. I didn’t understand what I had done back then. Years later, she confessed to me that she thought we were moving to the point in our relationship where we might someday get married and that she was afraid of how she would be as a step-mother to my children. She didn’t realize that this fear was unfounded; even if we had gotten to the point of marriage, she would have been nothing less than spectacular as a step-mother. She is the most wonderful person I have ever known. Yet she was full of self-doubt.

Six years ago she told me she had an epiphany. And that sudden realization caused her to push me away and out of her life. I was broken and bewildered. And in trying to find a small degree of self-worth, I went into the arms of someone new. Someone who I became friends with and a lover to. But the relationship that followed with her was for all the wrong reasons. I realize that now, and should have then. It would have saved more heartache for me, Kacey and our children. Thank God that we never had any of our own.

Kacey and I dated for a year when I proposed to her on Valentine’s Day 2001. We were married in August of that year. And we had a decent start to our lives together even though the kids didn’t always feel comfortable in their new situation. We tried to make the best of it. We had a nice new house with all the trimmings. I worked hard at making improvements to it and kept myself busy for the next three years. But since I never really loved her and she really just happened to be the first to show me affection since Jenny rejected me, I became more unhappy as time went by. This was the textbook example of a Rebound Relationship. And it hurt all parties involved. Kacey was really a difficult person to put up with during most of our time together. But I tried to overlook the ever-increasing problems. However they got to the point where I couldn’t live with them any longer. I knew that things were broken and that I needed to get out. It was the best solution for all concerned, really. I moved out in the spring of ’05 and wanted a divorce.
During this emotionally difficult time, I did something that still surprises me to this day. I wrote Jenny an email. I had sent her a few emails after we had parted ways and even mentioned to her in one of them that I was getting married. Was I trying to make her jealous? Not really. I was just trying to show her that I was recovering from the breakup that we had gone through and moving on. But like I said earlier, the reasons for this new relationship were wrong.

So here I am, over five years since Jenny decided to break off our romance, and I write her to let her know that my marriage was over and that I was moving out in a few days. I told her that I wasn’t looking to rekindle anything that we once had, but in effect, I guess I really was. To my surprise, she responded very quickly and told me that she almost had to pick herself up off the floor after having heard from me. She knew I was going through a rough time and even offered to be there for me if I needed someone to talk to. I took her up on that offer.

To this day, I have saved every single email that we exchanged over the next several months. And there were thousands. Most were fairly short and superficial exchanges. But they all had special meaning to me. That’s why I saved them. Other letters, especially some of the earlier ones, were deeper. We poured out our souls about some of the bad decisions we have made and of some of the trying emotional times we have suffered.

Not long thereafter, we met again. She invited me to come over and I accepted. I never stopped loving her from our previous relationship. And it didn’t take long for those repressed emotions to come back full-force. I was back in the life of my soul mate and it felt so good! It soon seemed like those missing years were just a bad memory. And I felt that she too, had welcomed me back and regretted having pushed me away. In one of those early email exchanges, she confessed that she didn’t know if I felt that I could ever trust her completely anymore. She felt like she had asked me to remove myself from her life, realized that she made a terrible mistake and now wanted me back in her wonderful life. I felt loved again. And I accepted that love openly. Miracles do happen. In my case, for a second time.

The first weeks and months into our new relationship were beautiful. Like the first time around, I couldn’t get enough of her. I savored every minute we could spend together. We went many places together and I helped her around her house. I loved helping her out too. It gave me a sense of purpose. And it was a small way for me to try to repay her for all the happiness that she had brought to me. I thought I was living in heaven. Then something changed.

I had a sense that somehow her feelings towards me had lessened. Earlier on in our newest relationship, we would hold hands and touch and I could tell that such a simple gesture meant as much to her as it did for me. But lately, when I would try to hold her hand when we were just sitting on the couch or driving in the car, she wouldn’t hold the hand that I offered. Why? This was the start of what I perceived to be another downward spiral.

Jenny has always been an active person. She has many interests and commitments outside of work. I would try to participate in many of them like cheering her and her team on in volleyball games. And cheering the UofL Cardinals on during the football games we attended. I also told her very early on that I never wanted to interfere in her activities or have her sacrifice those things that are important to her and that she enjoyed doing on my account. She even told me that if she was busy with something at home, she didn’t mind if I just hung out and read on the couch or watched TV while she was occupied. And I did do that sometimes.

Still, she was pulling away from me and from the love she expressed towards me. Each passing week, I could feel the distance growing. I didn’t understand what was happening. I sent her several emails expressing my concerns, but the replies never really addressed them. I have a horrible habit of saying things in letter format rather than in person. But we didn’t seem to have as much time together lately and it was a way for me to let her know I thought we were somehow growing apart. I said that I think we needed to actually have a talk so we could honestly discuss things. And I was so looking forward to the end of this past month when her life would allow a little more free time so we could do just that. I never had the chance to have that talk. Apparently, her decision had already been made and I wasn’t allowed to offer my input. Oh how I wish I could have been a participant before it got to this point!

In my view, I had way too much time to be a boyfriend and she had too little time for being a girlfriend. And I guess that I inadvertently put too much stress on her to spend time with me. If that is what happened, I am sorrier than words can express. Jenny was tied for number one in my life along with my kids. I would have been happy just to have been in her top ten. But she would say that that’s not fair to me. Well I don’t care. I think I should have had some input as to what’s fair and what’s not to me. She never gave me that chance. Hell, if I could have just had a few hours a week with her as my girlfriend that would have been enough. Fair to me? Absolutely! Now I have nothing. Except for a heart that is now shattered.

A couple weeks ago, when we had the chance to have what turns out to be our last dinner together, Jenny called me after I had gotten home and said that she was worried about me. She said that she saw sadness in my eyes and she blamed herself. She blamed herself for not having enough of herself to share with me. That in turn, made me feel guilty for putting pressure on her that I had no idea that I was causing. She said that she was going to “come up with a plan” to try to resolve the matter. I told her that wasn’t necessary, that I would be fine.

Shortly after that, she went out of town for a few days for some work-related training. I was so looking forward to her return and being able to see her. I was hoping to see her the next night after she got back as it was her birthday and I had never had the chance to celebrate one of her birthdays. And she had been there for two of mine. Oh what a happy time I wanted to spend with her. I was even thinking that while she was away and that the “plan” she was working on to solve the “lack of time to see each other” might have hopefully even included the offer for us to move in together. Imagine that! We could have spent every night under the same roof. I would have the chance to see her every day! I should have known better, but still, I was hoping that whatever plan she was determined to come up with would have allowed us more time together. How could I have been more wrong?

I never did get to spend that birthday with Jenny. Nor would I have the opportunity to see her at all in the next few days. Then this past Monday, I wake up and check my email like I normally do. And there is a letter from the woman I love more than anything and she said that she wants to go our separate ways. I was dumbfounded. And I am still totally bewildered to this day. That’s why I can’t sleep lately. And with my new job, my stress level has increased beyond belief. I have lost fifteen pounds in the last month. While I knew that Jenny was pulling away, I was hoping that we would be able to talk things out and figure where to go from here. I was looking forward to her having a little more free time so that we could have discussed things. But like I’ve said, I guess I’ll never have that chance.

I know I’m not the easiest person to put up with. I fully admit that I can be demanding and selfish at times. And that I might hurt the ones that I love. But I also know that I can be one of the most devoted, considerate, caring and loving people you will ever meet.

Jenny is amazing. She’s the most wonderful woman I’ve ever known in my life. And I would have done anything to make her happy and to have kept this from happening. If you only knew her, you would understand why I was so enraptured just being in her presence.

Why did this have to happen? Why, my beautiful angel Jenny?

Sunday 4/2 I:00pm

I couldn’t sleep last night after writing the latest entry, even though putting my words down in this journal was supposed to help me keep my mind from racing. So after completing the above entry, I went back to bed and read for about half an hour. After my eyes started feeling the strain and I felt ready to try again to get some sleep, I laid there for another 20 or 30 minutes and still sleep would not come. So I finally got back out of bed and wrote Jenny another email. I asked her to make absolutely sure that she felt that going our separate ways was a decision she was comfortable with. I don’t want her to later feel like she might have made a mistake that she would someday regret. Regret like she said she felt the first time when she wanted to break away from our relationship. So I asked her to give careful consideration and let me know how she felt. And if she still feels like the decision she made was the right one that I would abide by that. And I also sent her my first Journal entry as a further explanation of the situation from my perspective. In closing, I asked her to please call me today to let me know if we are through as a couple or if there’s some chance that we can work things out and grow closer together instead of further apart.

I finally got to sleep about 5:00 this morning but could only sleep till 9:30. When I got up, I started going through the motions of my day. I have been doing some more reading and surfing the Net. I also called my brother to wish him a Happy Birthday and we talked for a few minutes. He and his family are doing quite well and having a relaxing weekend. I hope we can get to see each other soon. While Mark is more than ten years younger and we have different mothers and lives, we have never been truly close. And that’s too bad, because when it comes right down to it, love, friends and family are really the most important things in life. It’s not money, homes or success. It’s what we can do to fill our hearts with happiness that really matter. Without that, we are just empty shells. We end up just going through the motions of getting along with our meaningless days. Without love, what do we have? We are nothing. Why waste your life if there is no love in it?

It’s just after 1:30 now. I called to talk with Monica and Brandon to see if they wanted to hang out or go with me to the mall, but they were still asleep when I called. So I took a few minutes to put down these words. So far, Jenny hasn’t called or written me back. But I’m not expecting her to just yet. Hopefully sometime later though. I don’t know whether she will want to give us a second chance or not. But the pain I’m going through is almost unbearable. I need some sort of closure. I thought we would spend the rest of our lives together. I prayed for that. That seems like it’s unlikely at this point. I’ll write more later when I’ve heard from her.

4/2 7:20pm

Jenny did call me this afternoon around 3:15. I was out shopping with Brandon at the mall. I needed some company and he was ready and willing to spend a little time with me. So far, I haven’t told him or Monica about the situation with Jenny. The only people I have confided in are my friends Dana, Chastity and Jason. But because I was not in a good position to have much of a discussion with her due to the circumstances, that phone call was short and didn’t reveal much. She told me that she had some things to do and that she was having a couple of people over for dinner later. I suggested that she could call me back later tonight, no matter the time, so we could have a more meaningful conversation. She said she didn’t know if she would be able to. But shortly after that, she also sent me an email to acknowledge she got my note from earlier this morning. In her reply, she said that her Internet was only working intermittently and she could receive emails, but couldn’t respond without fear that it would not go through. But she said that she did write me some thoughts in answer to my questions about things being finally over. But she said she wanted to wait a few hours and review what she had written again before sending it to me.

So what do I do? Naturally, I sent her a reply and asked her to again to rethink her decision. I told her that if she needed more time to be sure that this is what she wanted, then I would wait. But for her to be absolutely sure of what she wants. I don’t want her to make a mistake that she might regret later on. I did say, however, that if she was positive that she didn’t want me in her love-life anymore, then I would go along and respect her decision. I also said that I thought we had something too special to give up on. I hope she will give strong consideration to being sure that she truly did want to part ways. At this point, I don’t know what else I can do to salvage the relationship. If it even can be. As the saying goes, “the ball is in her court now”. I am anxious to hear what she has to say. Please don’t let this be over between us.

4/2 11:00pm

Still no word from Jenny, but that’s not unexpected. She said her company may be staying late and she told me that she’s taking tomorrow off, so they might still be visiting with her. Perhaps she really needs to spend some time with her friends as I’m sure this is not a very easy time for her either. Whether or not I hear from her tonight, I can’t be too sure. But hopefully she’ll get back with me by sometime tomorrow. If she calls to talk, I’m sure it will be an extremely difficult phone call for her to make. I wouldn’t be surprised if she chooses to email me with her thoughts before I get a chance to talk with her in real-time. I am praying that she will say that she wants to try to stay together and work in repairing the damage that our relationship has suffered. But I fear the worst. Please Jen, don’t throw it all away. Was I really that bad that I’ve destroyed everything that we had? Jenny, please don’t do this. I beg you. Please don’t ask me to walk away. I thought we had something so rare and wonderful once. But somehow it’s faded. I had no idea that she would feel this way about me or about us.

My heart is truly shattered.

4/2 11:55pm

Well I did get that phone call just as I was writing the notes above. And like I said, I’m sure that it wasn’t an easy conversation for Jenny to have with me. But she cleared the air and told me that her decision was final. She said that she loves me as a friend, but she’s not in love with me anymore.

She said that her power went out with some of the storms that passed through earlier tonight and since she had company till just before the electricity went out, she didn’t check her email since early this afternoon. So she never saw the last one that I sent her. But it really doesn’t matter. Her decision IS truly final.

She said that she felt uncomfortable being around me and that it did cause her to feel pressured as I suspected. She said she was having physical symptoms from my even being around her. It was literally making her sick when I was there. Was it all me? She said that maybe she’s going through some pre-menopausal changes where her hormones might be causing some of her discomfort. Perhaps it has been a combination of both.

She did say that she felt that things were different between us as far back as around Thanksgiving. And that’s when I too felt things were becoming more distant. She also said that she thought we were SO different that we were incompatible. While my life is relatively simple in comparison to her busy one, I thought that there weren’t too many, insurmountable ones. I was willing to share whatever little time she could afford me. I only wanted it to be quality time. That would have been all I asked for. But she said that she didn’t think that was being fair to me. Again, I think that I should have been the one to make that decision.

She said that she will re-read her earlier thoughts that she wrote and possibly send them to me tomorrow for me to see. At this point, it really doesn’t matter. She told me that we were too different and that she didn’t love me. I told her on the phone that I thought we had something worth saving, but she didn’t think so. She continues to suggest that I try to find someone that I could be more compatible with. And someone who can put me as first in their life. While I appreciate her wishing that for me, it will never happen. I told her that it would probably make her feel even more guilty than she probably already does, but that I would never seek to find love with any other woman again. I told her that I just can’t put myself through this again. I absolutely refuse to have my heart broken anymore.

She told me again that she had given her feelings a lot of thought while she was away on her trip to Nashville. And she felt that she was making the right decision. And I told her that I will abide by her wishes and will not try to change her mind. What would be the point? And I told her that I always wanted what was best for her and that her happiness was what was important to me. But since I gave her the opportunity to take more time or to re-think things and she didn’t seem to want that as an option, I am finished. I will not ask her to take me back and to try to repair our relationship. Will we continue to be friends? She said that she would want me to be a great friend. Time will tell, I suppose. I would still want to see her and consider her a friend, but it will still be hard to see her and know how much I missed being in love with each other.

I gave Jenny the chance to say she would consider if she was sure that this is what she wanted to do. But when she said that she wasn’t in love with me and she didn’t think we could try to work things out, I knew it was over. Over for good. Our lives will go on. But not as I had dreamed they would. Someday, maybe she will feel regret and will feel differently about her decision. But it will be too late if that ever happens.

I know that the thoughts and feelings that I have described here were from my perspective. And in fairness, probably didn’t truly understand things from her side as much as I should have. We never had the chance to have that talk that I wanted to have with her. I wish we could have, perhaps things might have turned out differently.

I will visit this journal again soon, if she sends me those thoughts that she said she wrote down and will share them on these pages. But I probably won’t make too many more entries except when the pain is once again causing me such anguish that I need to put them down on paper. And I’m sure that there will be plenty more times like that ahead for me.

As I sit here typing these notes, I am looking at some of the pictures sitting around of Jenny during happier times. And I’m sure that she has suffered a great deal too, during these past few weeks as we’ve drifted further apart. Breaking up with me was probably a very painful thing for her as well. But for her, she feels like it was the right decision for her to make.

There is a picture that sits on top of my television that she gave to me on my birthday. The picture and the frame are from our trip last summer to Colorado Springs. It’s a picture that I took of Jenny smiling and looking straight at the camera. The wooden frame has two inner connected hearts and the top and one word on the bottom. “Love”. It will be hard to put that picture away, but it’s going to be harder to look at knowing that the love evaporated.

Goodbye Jenny. I love you.

4/3 10:05am

I am visiting you again, my journal friend, before I was planning to. I just wanted to put down a few more thoughts in an effort to better understand my feelings. I will probably do this more often than I would prefer, but then, getting over my shattered emotions will not be an easy journey for me to take.

Once again, last night sleep was difficult to come by. I lie in my bed and read a book for about an hour after my last entry and sending an email that I sent to Jenny afterwards. It will be the one of the last ones that I send her unsolicited. And I also sent her a copy of this journal that was current up until this point. After turning off the light and trying to sleep, I found that I could not. So after about half an hour, I turned on the light again and read some more. After another 30 minutes or so, I again tried to go to sleep. And the cycle repeated itself a few more times. Finally around 4:30, I was able to drift off. Since I don’t have to go into work today until noon, I was able to sleep until almost 9:00. Lately, these nights with 3-5 hours sleep are becoming more common. Will this situation improve over time? I hope so. I am not only emotionally exhausted, but physically drained as well.

When I woke up this morning, there was still something that was eating at me enough that I wanted to put it into words. And what was bothering me was this: Jenny said that she felt she wasn’t being fair to me. When she said that initially, I thought she meant this regarding not giving me enough of her time. While this might be PART of the reason for not being fair, what I came to realize what she really meant is that she no longer loved me while I was still deeply in love with her. That was the unfairness part.

In my last email I sent her early this morning, I said that I didn’t mean to sound harsh, but that if my feelings towards her were growing less, then I would have told her about the situation before I would have suggested that I thought we should part ways. Like I’ve said, I’ve felt for a long time that she was pulling away from me. And I knew that her love for me was never as strong as mine was for her. But I had no idea that at some point she stopped loving me completely. That’s what is so hard for me to accept; she never told me in all these weeks while I was expressing to her my concerns that her feelings were waning. The fact that I suspected her love was weakening and told her that I sensed that, and she NEVER confirmed that my suspicions were right. She wasn’t honest me when I needed her to be the most. I felt like I was used. Perhaps it was unintentional on her part, but she took advantage of my emotions. And that is why I vow that I will never let myself trust another woman with my heart.

She once said early in our second relationship that she didn’t know if I could ever trust her again. She said this because she left me deeply wounded from the first time when she broke things off with me. And that she wasn’t honest with me for pulling away back then. And I’ll admit that I was a tiny bit guarded when we first got back together. But as our love grew, I let that guard down completely and accepted her love without doubt or reservations. I guess I shouldn’t have done that. Because it has done damage that will never be able to be repaired.

Well Journal, my friend, I will leave you for now. I need to start getting ready for work. I will visit you again when I feel the need to express myself.

4/3 10:15pm

As of now, I still haven’t heard any response from Jenny regarding her thoughts or reply to my previous emails. But again, I know she’s probably been busy all day and she hasn’t had the chance to get back with me. And she still might be having problems with her Internet at home. I don’t know when I’ll actually hear from her. That’s okay. I’ll hear from her when I hear from her. And like I said earlier, she’s already made certain of her decision and there’s no going back. I’m just so deeply disappointed that she didn’t want to try to work things out. And it still baffles me that she could have pulled away from me and never told me that she was falling out of love with me when I told her repeatedly that I felt she was becoming more distant and her feelings were obviously changing. And now it’s too late.

I think my first realization that she didn’t feel the same towards me anymore was back around the holidays. It should have been obvious to me when she didn’t get me a Christmas card. I gave her two actually. And along with one of them was a letter that I wrote expressing my deep love for her. She read the letter in front of me when I gave her the card. Her response was to say that what I wrote was sweet. But she never gave me a card or expressed her feelings.

I feel like I was really taken advantage of in the whole scheme of things. I continued to love her without reservation, but she was pulling away. And when I pointedly asked her about my mounting concerns, she never confessed anything to me. How could she do that? She wasn’t honest with me, and that’s what hurts almost as much as her decision to leave our relationship.

Well, enough for the time being. But I’m sure I will be writing again before too long. Until then….

4/4 4:30am

I guess 4 seems to be my (un)lucky number lately. That seems to be the average number of hours sleep I can get every night since this situation started. I fell asleep around midnight and awoke awhile ago, but found that I couldn’t go back to sleep. So I just went ahead and got out of bed and will probably take a shower shortly.

No word from Jenny yet. Since she’s usually a night-owl, I thought she might have had the chance to respond back to me sometime late this past evening or early this morning. But nothing from her at this point. Admittedly, I did give her a lot to digest at one time. And she has had a habit of not answering many of the points I make when I send her letters normally. So I would expect that if she does reply, and she truly takes the time to acknowledge everything I said, it will take her awhile.

Last night, after my latest entry and before trying to fall asleep, I had a thought that I wanted to put down. And that is that I wish she would have felt that perhaps some kind of Couples Counseling could have been utilized to try to bring us back together. I think that would have been a great option. But I guess the thought never occurred to her. Or if she did consider it that she didn’t think it would serve any purpose. Of course, it’s too late for that now, but again, I wish we would have had an opportunity to save what we once had. Such a loss.

4/4 8:10am

Time to get ready for work now. I went out around 6:30 to Speedway to get some coffee to help me kick-start my day. When I got back home, I read some more in my latest book. I like reading and sometimes it helps me take my mind off anxieties. Boy have I had a lot of those this past week! I work 9:00-6:00 today and don’t go in till noon tomorrow, so I’ll have a little more (and maybe too much) free time later when I get home.

I plan to tell Monica and Brandon about Jenny’s decision to part ways when I have them with me for a few days later this week. I’ll probably tell them on Thursday when I’m off and we’ll have the whole day together. I would imagine that they too have had suspicions for awhile now, since Jenny hasn’t been in their lives much either over the past few weeks. I know that they too will miss her. Like me, they absolutely adored her. She said in one of her emails from a few days ago for me to tell them she said “Hey” and that they were the greatest. I will pass that message along.

4/5 7:00am

Surprisingly, I slept a lot more than usual lately. I was in bed reading and half-watching TV when I guess I drifted off to sleep around 10:00. I woke up at 11:00 since there must have been a little spike in the volume on the television that was still on. So I got up and went to the bathroom and climbed back into bed and fell right back to sleep. While I was thinking earlier that I would be awake for several hours before being able to fall asleep, I was planning to sleep till around 8:30 or so since today is one of my days to go into work at noon. But I woke up a little after 6:00. Since I had a full eight hours of sleep, I decided that I would go ahead and get up. I couldn’t go back to sleep even if I wanted to. It felt good to get that full night’s sleep without so much anxiety, for a change.

I checked my email last night when I woke up at 11:00 and again at 6:15 and still no word from Jen. Like I’ve said, I sent her a lot of my thoughts and feelings on Sunday and Monday and if she does choose to respond, there is a lot of ground to cover. Will she reply? Someday perhaps she will. But I am doubtful that she will adequately address everything that I had to say. I am not going to worry so much anymore about what she has to say and when she says it. I am so disappointed in what she has done, but I am trying my best to get over things and put it behind me. If and when I hear from her again, so be it. But I’m not going to twist myself into knots any longer. This chapter in my life is over and it’s time to move on. On to what, I don’t know. And while I know it will never include me putting myself in a loving relationship with another woman, I’ll hope for the best. I vow that I will not put myself into a position of vulnerability again. My heart will continue to beat, but there will be no more love to neither offer nor accept.

As an interesting note filled with irony (on my part) and accuracy (on Jenny’s side), I have a fortune that I got after eating at a Chinese restaurant that I saved from the last day at Enterprise when I went to eat lunch with some of my friends. I saved it and even shared it with Jenny shortly afterwards. She had no comment. Here’s what my fortune said: “A love relationship takes on an added dimension.” Interesting isn’t it? I thought it meant that my relationship with Jenny would grow even deeper and stronger. But what it really meant, as I would soon discover, was that the relationship was over. While I’m not normally superstitious, I may never open another fortune cookie again.

4/6 8:20am

I got another good night’s sleep last night. I fell asleep around midnight and slept till almost 7:30. Monica is here now and still asleep. I’ll let her sleep in till around 11:00 or so. Brandon spent another night with his friend Ben. I’ll probably go pick him up in the early afternoon. He and Ben are best buddies and I’m glad that they get along so well. But I’d like to spend some time with him today as well since it’s my day off. And even more so since I have to work tomorrow and all day on Saturday. It’s supposed to rain this morning and clear off by afternoon, but so far, it’s just cloudy. I’m not sure exactly what we are going to do today other than going to the grocery store to pick up a few things that they might like to eat for the next few days.

Yesterday I got an email from my friend Dana and she asked how much my apartments rent for. The reason why she asked is that she said she’s having a pretty difficult time financially right now and may have to sell her house to keep up with her bills. She even asked me if I would be interested in possibly buying it. I gave her the apartment information and the phone number to call to check on three bedroom units. And I also told her that while I could certainly appreciate her situation, I wasn’t interested in buying her house. I explained that I don’t want to own another home, at least not in the traditional sense. I would someday like to be able to buy a condo or townhouse, but not a home with a yard. I told her that I’ve had three houses, all of which I put a lot of work into, especially with landscaping and building decks, fences, storage sheds, etc. And the two most recent experiences that I had, I had to move out with absolutely nothing to show for it. And I’m not going to start all over again in being a homeowner in that capacity. I’m tired of working my butt off and have all my efforts be stripped away. I’ve worked really hard to build and make improvements and not be able to enjoy it. So no more of that for me. Just like love. I’m done with both. Starting over in either of these capacities is just more than I can take anymore.

Still no word from Jenny. I know how busy she keeps herself and responding back to me is probably pretty far down on her priority list. Perhaps I’ll hear back from her someday, but I’m not going to stress out over it. I have been thinking a little about what she said about us being so different. And while I thought we were so much more alike than different, I can see her point, I suppose. I guess she felt that she was so much of an extrovert and I’m not, that those differences just couldn’t be overcome. I even used the analogy in a letter that I wrote to Kacey when I was breaking off our marriage, that I thought we were like oil and vinegar. When mixed together, we were good for awhile, but eventually, we naturally grow apart. I guess Jenny had that same realization.

4/7 6:20am

Well, upon waking up and checking my email, it was not real surprise to see that Jenny hasn’t written me yet. Maybe this weekend she’ll have a chance to, but every day that goes by without any word from her, I guess she feels less like responding to me. That’s too bad, because I would have appreciated hearing what she has to say. I suppose she’s already moved on with the next phase of her life and trying to forget what we had together. I wouldn’t be honest if I said that it didn’t matter. And each day that passes, I’m a little more disappointed than the day before. I too am trying to move ahead, but there are some explanations that I still feel are owed to me. Time will tell.

4/9 9:45am

I woke up around 8:30 this morning after staying up till about 2:00. Monica and Brandon are still sleeping, but they want me to wake them up fairly early this morning. Michael stayed over here till around 11:00 last night and since it was late and Brandon had retired to his room to watch TV, I still haven’t had the chance to tell them the news. Speaking of which, there’s still been no word from Jenny. If I haven’t heard from her by tomorrow morning, I guess she doesn’t plan to write back to me. If that’s the way she feels, so be it. I’ll get along. But still, I am very disappointed that she’s chosen not to offer me anything in return for all that I’ve done for her.

8:30pm

I just Monica and Brandon home a little while ago. Because they slept so late and took awhile getting their showers and getting ready this afternoon, I didn’t have much of a chance to talk with them earlier. We did go see the movie, “Ice Age 2: The Meltdown” at the 4:00 showing. And afterwards, we went to a couple of stores. Once we got home, I fixed dinner and after we ate, Monica was ready to get ready to go home. So on the way to their house, I told them about Jenny and me. Monica asked why and I explained that I really didn’t know exactly why Jenny made her decision. I guess it’s complicated (it sure is for me), so I really couldn’t offer much in the way of answers for her.

When my dad called earlier this morning, when we were about to say our goodbyes, he asked how Jenny was and I told him that I guessed she was okay, but we hadn’t seen each other in awhile. I said that the reason we hadn’t was her decision, but I didn’t go into much detail about her breaking things off between us. It was too late in our conversation and it was a topic that we didn’t get into. Maybe another time, but at least, at this point, he knows that Jenny and I are on the outs. While I don’t think he ever met her from the first time we dated, I think he knows how much she meant to me. Maybe sometime, I can explain things in more detail, but I don’t really think it’s necessary. He knows that we aren’t actively seeing each other. If he asks about her again, I can offer him a fuller explanation.

I’ve been thinking about making a big change in my life, but it’s not going to happen anytime soon. For quite sometime now, I have liked winter-time less and less as the years go by. The funny thing is, winter used to be my favorite time of the year. But as the years pass, it seems like I can’t tolerate the cold weather as much as I used to. So I’ve been thinking about moving to a warmer climate. One where there is little chance for severe weather like we tend to have around here in the spring. The spring storms with the hail, winds and threat of tornados have always caused me a great deal of concern, but for most in this part of the country, it’s just part of the weather in the Ohio Valley. So I’m toying with the idea of relocating to a warmer climate with little risk of such severe weather. Perhaps next year, I’ll start some serious exploration into moving to Phoenix. I have always had fond memories of my visits there when my aunt and uncle lived there. While the summers can be quite hot, the heat is tolerable. I’ve been out there when the temperature reached a high of 115 or more every day for a week on one of our visits. If you can handle that, the rest is easy. I even went to a website yesterday to do some investigating on the area. And in a year, I should be in a better financial position to make a move. And if I stay here in my apartment for another year after my lease is up, I can plan to move next year in May. It will be hard to leave Monica and Brandon, but there will be visits and they are becoming more involved with their own activities as the weeks go by. Other than them, there’s really no good reason for me to stay here. Louisville is a nice city and I’ve been here 20 years now, but there are a lot of less than pleasant memories for me here too. And I can’t go back to Richmond because it’s no longer my hometown and there are too many melancholy memories for me there as well. I think that soon, it’s going to be time to move on and start fresh.

4/10 5:30am

I fell asleep just after 12:30 this morning but awoke less than two hours later. So after lying in bed for an hour and not being able to go back to sleep, I decided to read some more of my newest book. After reading for 40 minutes, I tried to go to sleep again. No luck. So I got up and took my shower. Then I decided to surf the Web until now. I’ve had the early morning news on while on the computer just to have some background noise. I was hoping that the nights with little sleep were behind me at this point, but I guess that’s not the case. Perhaps tonight, I’ll be able to get a solid nights sleep. I hope so, this is getting old.

4/11 9:45am

I got a full eight hours of sleep last night and it felt good. It’s nice to be well-rested for a change. I go into work today at noon, so I’ve still got quite a bit of time before I need to leave. I’ll probably read for most of that time.

Yesterday was one of the nicest days we’ve had with the weather lately. It was sunny and the temperature was near 70. Today is supposed to be a little warmer but somewhat windy. And the forecast for the rest of the week is calling for warm temperatures and sunny as well. I am off on Friday and am going to lunch with some ERAC buddies. It will be good to see them again. I’m looking forward to it.

As I’ve come to expect, there’s still been no word from Jenny yet. I suppose at this point, she’s just too busy and has probably lost interest in me. I still think about her several times a day and am still bewildered about her desire to break up. But with each day that passes, I am managing to get along a little better. I still feel that deep down, someday she’ll regret her decision. But nothing will ever be the same between us. While my heart may heal in time, I will also have built up such a fortress around it that nobody will ever be allowed to penetrate it again. I will neither look for nor accept love from another. As I’ve said, the price that I end up paying in the end isn’t worth the devastation.

Well, enough “therapy” for now. Until next time….

Here's what I have to say about THAT.....

2006-04-11T16:37:00.000-04:00

I wanted to find a way to express my thoughts and share them with you. Sometimes you just need to get some things off your chest, you know? And I've had a rough time of things lately, so this just might prove to be therapeutic. A friend of mine suggested that I start keeping a journal of my thoughts and feelings, so that's exactly what I did. And it really does seem to have helped. Imagine if it makes me feel better just by putting them into written form, how much better I'll feel if I can share them with so many more of you out there in cyberspace! Of course, you are welcome to criticize as well as offer your support and encouragement. I just want to share myself - my thoughts and opinions just to try to make a connection with anyone out there who might happen to read this.